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Passageways. Place metal barriers on the lower 9" of every door in your house so you bang your shins on them every time you to walk through the doors, and add eight handles to each door that must each be opened for the door to opened.
Qualifications. Require your family to qualify to operate all the appliances in your home, such as Qualified Dishwasher Operator, Qualified Blender Technician, Qualified Toaster Operator, etc. Hold weekly one-hour classes after working hours on enlightening topics, such as "Dish Washing" or "Bed Making"
Red Lights. After sundown, replace all light bulbs in the house with red ones.
Reveille. Give the keys to your house to a neighbor and have him enter your bedroom every morning at 5:30 am, and blow a whistle, and yell through a bullhorn, "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lit in all authorized spaces."
Security Alert. Enlist a team of paintball players to run through your dining room shouting "Security Alert!" At hearing this, everyone should drop to the floor or line up against the wall. For the best effect, do it during meals.
- Install a large bell on the front porch and whenever a relative comes to visit, ring the bell 4 times and announce his arrival/departure over a megaphone.
- Remove all clocks in the house and ring a bell at intervals to indicate the time.