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Living Aboard Ship

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  • Lookout. When it rains. Get two empty coke bottles, tie them together, and hang them around your neck. Go outside and stand in the rain for four hours. From time to time, look through the coke bottles and observe the horizon and lightning.
  • Maintenance
    • Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks.
    • Put on a clean white suit and then change the oil in your car.
    • Stand in the middle of a speeding subway car and try to do precise work using power equipment.
    • Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
    • Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. If you miss a week or use the wrong tool, hold a trial and restrict yourself to the house for a month. On six-month intervals, disassemble, inspect, and reassemble your car engine using only a 12" Crescent wrench and screwdriver.
    • With the help of your two six-year old nephews and a 1976 manual, replace the starter in your 1985 car, working only from the top. Have your father-in-law remind you every 3 minutes that you have 15 minutes to finish because the car is needed for the next trip.
  • Make Way. When in a hurry, run through the hall yelling “Make Way!” and require everyone to stand against the wall as you run by.
  • Medical. Instruct your doctor to dispense only "aspirin" (APC, all-purpose capsule) to you no matter what the ailment or complaint.
  • Morning Quarters
    • Have your mother write down everything the family will be doing during the day, assemble your family in the back yard at 6:00 am and read the plans for day to you. Mill around for 15-20 minutes and then have your father reassemble the family and tell you the same thing again. 
    • Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's want done the following day, then have you stand in the back yard at 6am while she reads it to you.
    • Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper out loud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.