Living Aboard Ship

Page 3 of 11

Bilges. Fill your basement with ten inches of sewage water, pump it out, clean up the mess, and paint everything in the basement gray.

Ceremonies (such as retirements, change of command, and award ceremonies). Have entire family dress in their best clothes and stand in the sun for an hour without moving a muscle while your grandfather reads Prologue to the Canterbury Tales.

Chow

For mid-rats, Wake up every night and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. Optional: canned ravioli or cold soup.
Cook all your food blindfolded, groping for any seasoning you can reach. Fry everything and serve cold. Note: You must not gain weight on this diet or you will be singled out for the 'fat person' program.
For meals, have the family stand in long lines with a bunch or smelly, dirty mechanics, only to find that when you turn comes, most of the food is gone.
Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered and wait two weeks before eating them.
Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they do not pay attention to the menu any more, they just ask for hot dogs.
Serve "Stuffed Cabbage Rolls" for dinner and the next evening strip off the cabbage leaves and serve the same thing calling it "Beef Porcupines."
Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5-6 days before drinking.
Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan so one side is 3 inches higher than the other side. Level it using lard frosting.
When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.

Communications. When talking to your wife drop every third word in your sentence to simulate using a ship to shore telephone.