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Living Aboard Ship

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  • Battle Lanterns. Install flashlights around the house where you can bump into them or bang you head against them. Point each flashlight at important items, such as the sofa, doorways, or the stove. Occasionally turn the house’s electric power off and run around turning on all the flashlights.
  • Being a Deck Seaman. Spend 5 years working at McDonald’s, and NOT get promoted.
  • Berthing
    • Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up and place the whole bed on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
    • Four hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble, "Sorry wrong rack.”
    • Go from house to house in your neighborhood when you need a place to sleep. Climb in the closest empty bed. The owner will wake you up when they want to sleep. It is called “hot racking.”
    • Install a fluorescent lamp on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books to simulate laying in a rack.
    • Keep the bedroom thermostat at 50 degrees and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
    • Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
    • Replace bedroom door with a curtain.
    • Set your alarm to go off at ten-minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watch standers and night crew bump around and wake you up.
    • Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
    • Stack all beds on top of one another in the closet. Stow all your clothing and possessions in a 36" x 18" x 12" closet.