Jack is the only son of Awe Schnitt and O. Schnitt, and he has an interesting family tree:
In 1955, Awe Schnitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schnitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schnitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
Jack Schnitt grew up and married Noe, and together Jack and Noe Schnitt produced six children:
- Holie Schnitt (who came to be known as "The Lucky Schnitt").
- Fulla Schnitt Shineola (who didn't really have the Schnitt Face)
- Giva Schnitt
- Bull Schnitt (who really looked like Schnitt, the father)
- Dip Schnitt and Deep Schnitt (twins)
Dip Schnitt was not very bright, and was known as "The stupid Schnitt," and she married Dumb Schnitt, a high school drop out who happened to share the same last name (no relation, however). Friends affectionately nicknamed them "The Schnitts." Their marriage produced no little Schnitts.
The other twin, Deep Schnitt, went on to build a deodorant empire, which became famous for its slogan, "Smell Like Schnitt." Interestingly, that slogan only worked in the United States; another slogan was more popular in the Uited Kingdom, "Put a dab of Schnitt on your pits." When the company launched its product in Australia, a third slogan was used successfully, "Smell Like Schnitt Down Under."
After a few years, Noe Schnitt divorced Jack and promptly married a nice man named Ted Sherlock and decided to hyphenate her name. She become known as Noe Schnitt-Sherlock.
Jack remarried a nice lady named Loda. Jack and Loda Schnitt, produced a cowardly son they named Chicken Schnitt. Jack and Loda went on to produce two more boys, Krappy Schnitt and Ugglee Schnitt.
These athletic brothers, Krappy and Ugglee, married the stunningly beautiful Happens Sisters in a dual ceremony. The "Schnitt-Happens" Wedding was a huge affair, and these two unions also produced many offspring:
- Dawg Schnitt
- Byrd Schnitt
- Hoarse Schnitt
- Pigh Schnitt
Once again Jack lost his love for his wife, so he divorced her and left to tour the world. He returned from an extended visit in Italy with his newest bride, Pisa.
Presently Jack Schnitt and his 3rd wife, Pisa Schnitt, are living without children in New Jersey on property through which a stream of water flows, now known to the locals as "Schnitt Creek."
Now that you know all about Jack Schnitt, people can no longer say that you don't know Jack Schnitt!