A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a big, tough looking guy in a dobak with a ragged black belt. The man has cauliflower ears and numerous scars on his face.Saint Peter asks the man, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"The guy replies, "I am the 10-time Taekwondo World Champion!"Saint Peter consults his list and tells the man to, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."When it the minister's turn, he stands erect and says , "I was the pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."Saint Peter consults his list and tells the minister to, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.""Just a minute," says the minister. "You gave that guy a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be when I have been preaching the gospel all my life?""In heaven, we reward results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; but when he entered the ring, people prayed."
When the minister agreed to marry a young couple in his church he stipulated that they remain abstinent during their engagement. One week before the wedding, he met with them and asked, "Have you remained chaste, as I counseled you?" "I'm afraid not, Reverend, " said the man. "Oh, dear. Why not?" asked the Reverend. The young man replied, "Well, last week my fiancée was reaching for a box of light bulbs on a high shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and, well, we just lost all control right there." "I'm sorry my son, but I can't marry you in this church," replied the Reverend. "Yeah, that's what we thought," the young man sighed. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."
A new monk was assigned to copy old texts by hand. Noticing that he would be copying from a copy and not from the original, he asks the elderly master, "If a mistake was made on the copy, won't that mistake by repeated on all subsequent copies?" This caused the master some concern, so he took the copy to the cellar to check it against the original. After the master didn't return after a few hours, the new monk went to the cellar to check on him. Hearing wailing, he found the old master leaning over one of the original manuscripts. Looking up, the master sobbed, "The word was supposed to be celebrate, NOT CELIBATE!"
A mother and her small daughter were in riding a cab when the daughter asked why several wildly dressed women were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother replied, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work." The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! They're hookers!" After a brief silence, the daughter then asks, "Mummy, do hookers have children?" The mother replies, "Of course, they do dear. That's where cabbies come from?
At every wedding I went to, old people would pinch my cheeks and say, "Sweetie, You're next!" They stopped when I started doing it to them at funerals.
Two women were at the pearly gates, comparing notes as to how they got there. "I froze to death," said the first one. The second replied, "I thought my husband was cheating, so I came home early one day, hoping to catch him. I raced around the house in a frenzy, looking everywhere, and got so upset I had a heart attack." Said the first, "You should have looked in the freezer... we both might still be alive!"
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, and hit a tree. The passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she asked, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the lady responded, "I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked "No Refills."
Definition of superficial: a really good referee.
After examining a parrot, the vet told the owner "I'm sorry but your parrot doesn't have long to live." "I want to be sure" said the owner "Are there any tests you can do?" The vet left the room and returned with a big black Labrador that sniffed the bird and shook his head. Then the vet brought in a Persian cat that also sniffed the parrot and shook his head. The vet said "Yes, your parrot is definitely terminal" and handed the owner a bill. The owner looked at the bill and yelled "$500!! just to tell me my parrot is dying." The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would have only been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."
Frank and Joe were watching the news. A suicidal man was standing on a bridge, and police were trying to talk him down. "Bet you five bucks the guy jumps," Frank said. "You're on!" Joe replied. They watched for a few minutes, and suddenly the man jumped. "Here's your five dollars," Joe said. "I really didn't think he'd do it." "I can't take you money," Frank confessed. "I saw the same story on an earlier broadcast." "No, no, take it," Joe insisted. I saw the earlier show too, but I didn't think the guy was stupid enough to jump again."
A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth, The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
de ja fu. The feeling that somewhere, somehow, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
Mahatma Ghandi was a very spiritual person who walked barefoot everywhere, to the pint that is feet became quite thick and hard. Due to his diet, he was thin and frail and had bad breath. Mary Poppins said he was a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
I have the body of a god—Buddha
Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.” The police noted “thief had De Gaulle to ask to be released.” Hey, he figured he had nothing Toulouse.
Eclipse: What a cockney barber does for a living.Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
An excited woman called her husband at work/ "I won the lottery!" she exclaimed. "Pack your clothes!" "Great!" he replied. "Summer or winter clothes?" "All of them–I want you out of the house by six!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain shot? He said he wanted to transcend dental medication.
A Legal Question: if you pushed your naked clone off a building, would you be charged with murder, suicide, or making an obscene clone fall.
Two bees met on a bush. One complains, "I have been able to find any food or pollen all day." The other replies, "I just came from a bar mitzvah down the street that has lots of fresh flowers and fruit. But first, you had better put my yarmulke on, you don't want them to think you're a WASP."
Twin boys are put up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt who name him Ahmal. The other is adopted by a family in Spain who names him Juan. Years pass, and Juan sends a photo of himself to his birth mother. "Oh, I wish I had a photo of Ahmal too," the mother says. "They're twins," her sister reminds her. "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A bicycle can't stand on its own because its two-tired.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it your count that votes.You show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you a A-flat Minor.
A charity telemarketer called a man for a donation. The man told the caller, "Do you realize that my mother is ill with medical bills several times her annual income?" "Um, no" mumbled the caller. "Or that my brother is blind and unemployed?" Or that my sister's husband died leaving her penniless with three kids?" The shocked caller replied, "I'm sorry, I had no idea." "So," said the owner, "If I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?"
A blond white belt came to class on night with burns on both sides of her face. When asked what happened, she said "I was ironing when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron." When asked how the other side got burned, she answered "Duh, they called back!"
While a Taekwondo school owner was fishing with his banker friend, the small boat overturned. The friend couldn't swim so the owner starting swimming and pulling him toward shore. They were almost ashore when the owner's arms got too weak, so he asked the friend, "Do you think you could float alone now?" The banker friend gasped, "Couldn't you want until we get ashore before asking me for money."
"Your kicks are like lightening bolts!" exclaimed the board holder. "You mean because they're so fast and powerful?" asked the red belt. "No!" said the board holder, "because they never strike twice in the same place."
A Taekwondo student, his instructor, and the instructor's master were all about to be executed by firing squad. They had heard that the executioner's were scared of natural objects. One day the student was placed in front of the firing squad. At the last moment, she yelled out "WATER!" and they all ran away. The next day the instructor was brought before the firing squad but he yelled out "WIND!" and they all ran away again. The next day it was the master's turn. Knowing that it had worked for the other two, he yelled "FIRE!" ...and they shot him.
"If I said you could test for black belt, would you have the money?" asked the instructor. The red belt replied, "If I told you I didn't have the money, would you say I could test for back belt?"
The master asked a white belt to come to his home and paint his porch. The white belt agreed. When he arrived, the master told him that the paint and brushes were in the garage. An hour later the white belt came back and said he had finished with the painting. The master thanked him. As the white belt was leaving, the said "By the way Sir, you don't have a Porsche–it's a Ferrari."
While talking to a first degree black belt at a Taekwondo tournament, a green belt asked him if he wanted to hear a good blond joke. The black belt replied, "Well, I'm blond and I would not appreciate it, and the third degree beside you is blond and she would not appreciate it, and the big fourth degree behind you is blond and he would not appreciate it. Now, do you still want to tell the joke?""No way!" says the green belt. "Not if I'm going to have to explain it three times!"
After being warned for excessive contact while sparring in class, a visiting student replied, "I don't have this problem when I sparred at my school." The instructor replied, "When you train at your school, we don't have this problem either."
At the start of his first Taekwondo class, a new student complained to the instructor that it was too cold in the training area. The instructor replied "No problem, I'll adjust the air conditioner." During the class the student complained to the instructor that it was too hot. The instructor replied "No problem, I'll adjust the air conditioner." After class, the student's mother commented to the instructor "I commend you for your patience with my son's complaints about the air conditioning." The instructor replied "No problem, I don't have air conditioning."
At a tournament, an instructor was counseling a young student. "Billy, I heard you asking that boy from Charlotte what style of martial arts he studied. That's not a polite question to ask. If he is studying Taekwondo, he will tell you soon enough. If he isn't, then you shouldn't embarrass him in public."
Things have changed since I began Taekwondo training in the 1960's. Then I had long hair, now I long for hair. Then I looked forward to a good KEG, now I look forward to a good EKG. Then I was concerned with the Rolling Stones, now I am concerned with kidney stones. Then it was screw the system, now it is upgrade the system. Then I tried to look like Marlon Brando, now I try not to look like Marlon Brando.
A group of ninja trainees were crossing a deep canyon. The ten men and one women were moving hand-over-hand along a rope extending across the canyon. Half way across, they noticed the rope was fraying and would not support all their weight. They decided that one person had to let go so the others could survive. No one volunteered until the woman finally spoke up. She said she was willing to sacrifice her life for her comrades because women were used to sacrificing their lives for their husbands and children. Her speech was so touching that when she finished speaking, the men started clapping.
As two students approached the dojang door, the first one walked through without holding the door for the second student, The student complained "That's not polite. If I had been first at the door I would held it open so you could enter first." To which the first student replied "Then why are you complaining? You got what you wanted."
A green belt showed his yellow belt friend the beautiful diamond ring he just bought his wife for their anniversary. "I though she wanted a four-wheel-drive vehicle," said the yellow belt. "She did," replied the green belt. "But where am I going to find a fake jeep?"
One night during a Taekwondo class, a student did not properly answer up to the instructor, so the instructor slapped the student. Everyone in the class gasped. Then the instructor slapped a student standing next to the first student and said "There I granted your wish!" The student asked "Why did you do that?" The instructor replied " Because, I know that after class you were going to say to someone 'I wish he had tried that with me!'"
One day the devil challenged God to a Taekwondo tournament. Smiling, God proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have some of the greatest ancient Taekkyon masters up here". "Yes", snickered the devil, "but I have all the referees down here."
I was visiting a karate class one night and was talking with one of the students who said he had never missed a day of class. He said his wife and kids usually came with him but that his wife had died recently. I said I was sorry about his loss and asked which of the kids were his. He said, "Oh, they are not here today, they are at her funeral."
Two old black belts continued to compete in Taekwondo tournaments well past their prime. One day, while relaxing after yet another competition, they were chatting and wondering if Taekwondo tournaments were held in heaven. They made a pact that whomever passed away first would come back and let the other know. About a week later, one of them passed away. A few days later, the surviving black belt saw an apparition of his old buddy. "Well!" asked the surviving black belt, "Are there any Taekwondo tournaments in heaven?" "I have some good news and some bad news for you," replied the apparition. "The good news is that, yes, there are Taekwondo tournaments in heaven." "The bad news is that your first match is tomorrow afternoon."
A brown belt was sparring with his instructor one day at a private lesson when the instructor collapsed and fell to the floor after a punch to the head. He didn't seem to be breathing and his eyes were rolled back. The brown belt panicked and ran to the office to call 911. He gasps to the operator: "My instructor is dead! What shall I do?" The operator, in a clam, soothing voice, says: "Take a deep breath and relax. I'll guide you through this. First, we need to make sure he is dead." The operator hears the phone being laid down and then she hears a couple of loud thumps. Then she hears the phone being picked up again and the caller says, "OK, what do I do next?"
A red belt was attending a Taekwondo camp at which he was to test for black belt. One evening a heavy storm blew up and everyone ran to the nearest cabin. The red belt ended up in a cabin when the grand master. The storm continued into the night so the two decided to sleep through the storm. During the late night, the master shook the red belt awake and said, "Look up and tell me what you see." The red belt said, "I see millions and millions of stars." "And what do you deduce from that?" asked the master. Suspecting this was a part of his black belt test, the red belt answered, "Well, astronomically, it tells me there are millions and millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astronomically, I see that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is about a quarter past three. Theologically, I see that God is all powerful and that we are an insignificant part of the universe. Meteorologically, I can see that the storm is over." Then, feeling confident, the red belt asks, "What does it tell you master?" The master relied, "You idiot, it tells me that the storm blew the roof off the cabin!"
Three Taekwondo students, a black belt, a blue belt, and a white belt were touring Korea when they saved a wise old monk from a fire. To thank them, the monk gave each one wish. The black belt said, "I want to home and rich beyond my dreams." "Wish granted!" said the monk the woman disappeared. The blue belt says, "I want to be home and married to the most beautiful woman in the world!" "Wish granted!" said the monk the man disappeared. Now the white belt begins to feel lonely so he makes his wish. "I wish my friends were back with me!". "Wish granted!" said the monk.
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him right off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a kung fu chop from China." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and continues what he was doing when all of a sudden-WHACK!!-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a karate chop from Japan." The little guy, not wanting any trouble, and thinking this guy is nuts, gets up off the floor, grabs his beer and moves a few seats further down the bar, and continues to sip at his beer. All of a sudden, --WHACK!!-- without warning, he feels this foot kick him upside the head and he goes sprawling to the floor once again. The big dude says with a smile, "That's kickboxing from Thailand." The little guy, having had enough of this gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. He had been gone for about an hour when he returned, and without saying a word, walks up behind the big dude and-WHACK!!!-- knocks the big dude off his stool and lays him out cold! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."
After a frustrating class, the instructor yelled, "All right! All you dummies are dismissed!" As the rest of the students walked away, one remained at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with the students, raising just a single eyebrow. The students smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, Sir?"